*Whilst driving through the country*
Husband- See that lawg cabin? That’s where I wanna end up, in something like that.
Wife- Lawg?
Husband- Yes, lawg
Wife- Spell lawg
Husband- With a doub-ya. L A W G
*pronounced ELL AAYE DOUB-YA GEE*
Shut Your Mouth When You're Talking To Me
#512
Husband was cold in the Publix so he utilized the picnic blanket from my car…
#459
*Via Text*
Husband – I love the fecal matter outta you.
Wife – Don’t ever use love, fecal matter, and me in a sentence again.
#452
*Husband kisses Wife goodnight*
Husband – You smell like a skunk
Wife – F**k You A**hole
Husband – It’s something you’re wearing
*Husband goes down hall to bedroom – Wife stays in living room; conversation is now yelled across house*
Wife – I’m not wearing anything
Husband – I think it’s your chapstick
Wife – I’m wearing the Pledge chapstick (tea tree & lemongrass)
Husband – It smells like skunk!
Wife - It does not!
#451
*Husband often accuses Wife of sleeping like a Chimpanzee which Wife vehemently denies*
Wife – What happened to my bed!?!?
Husband – You.
Please disregard the clothes pinned/thumb tacked beach towel curtain. I’m undecided on bedroom curtains as apparently I hate them all.
#450
*Husband takes trash out of kitchen trash can*
Wife – Ugh! You take that thing outside to the hose pipe right now!
Husband – Why?
Wife – It F*****g stinks! Can’t you smell it!?
*Husband sniffs can*
Husband – Ugh! WTF?
Wife – Told you
*Husband heads outside with trash can but pauses at door to look back at Wife*
Husband – And don’t ever say hose pipe again
Wife – Wha…
*Wife can’t interject because Husband is on a rant*
Husband – Seriously that is the most red neck thing. I hate that shit. I always have. It’s a garden hose or water hose or just say hose. Don’t say hose pipe. That’s so awful and red! Don’t say that again.
Wife – Hose. Pipe.
#448
Husband – I’m going to Wal-Mart to get a tape
Wife – I take it that means you don’t want a ginger pack?
*Husband flexes hand*
Husband – No, it’ll get better; it’s done it before
Wife – Then I don’t want to hear any bitching
Husband – It hurts; there might be some bitching
Wife – Then you bitch in silence!
#444
*Wife reads the following Facebook comment aloud*
“Watching My Strange Addiction with Lexi… “I’m addicted to drinking my urine… I like warm pee. Its comforting.” Seriously. I don’t know why I watch this fake stuff. No one really does this. They can’t. They’d die!
Lexi was saying “Mama its M. Shes wanting to be all natural and not treat her cancer with chemo or medicine so she’s going natural” I look at her with a “what?” look and say “If M were to get cancer and be given 1yr to live I don’t think she’d go that far as to resort to drinking urine/bathing in urine/washing her eyeballs with urine and pouring a NetiPot full of urine up her nose” Lexi says “You don’t think so?” Moral of the story: Lexi thinks you’d drink Pee LOL“
*Husband responds from the back of the house*
Husband – I’d drink pee
Wife – Why would you drink pee?
Husband – If it cured cancer! I’m not saying it would, but if it DID! I’d drink my straight up outta the bed mornin’ pee
*Wife stares blankly*
#442
*Wife has drug kitchen table into living room while Husband was in bathtub*
Husband – I wondered what you were doing
Wife – I was trying to take it to the office but I couldn’t get it through the doorway – I tried
Husband – I see that
Wife – No, I turned it on its side and everything but realized I couldn’t get it through by myself
*Husband shakes his head and laughs*
Wife – What?
Husband – You a hard headed woman. Bu I love you because of it
#439
*Husband kisses wife goodnight and is headed to bedroom with his Kindle Fire*
Wife – Are you going to look at porn and talk to sluts? *grin*
Husband – There’s no internet (internet has been down)
Wife – You could text sluts
Husband – I don’t know sluts
